Why Being Kind To Yourself Is Key

To Your Happiness

Self Compassion Can Have A Transformative Effect On Your Life

Are you your own worst critic?

Let’s face it, we’ve been practicing self judgement for most of our life and have gotten really good at it. We are most likely harder on ourselves even more than our worst critics. It’s common to beat ourselves up for our “faults” big and small - It’s the ‘norm’ in our society and We’ve come to accept this harsh judgemental inner dialogue and resigned to the suffering impact of our own self doing (and the inner rebel that desires to one day be able to love and accept ourselves just the way we are) The idea that you can actually be kind to yourself, accept your own faults—and enjoy deep emotional benefits as a result is revolutionary to our well trained self-judging brain.

The Effect

Self-criticism, judgement, and beating ourselves up for who we are, our ‘shortcomings’, and ‘imperfections’ comes at a high price. While we might convince ourselves that we are ‘only striving to be better’ with this harsh self-talk, in reality, it does exactly the opposite. It makes us anxious, uneasy, nervous, dissatisfied with our life, having a negative attitude, and can easily take us down the road of feeling hopeless and depressed.

The Way Out

Dr.Kristin Neff, from the University of Texas at Austin who studies self-compassion, strongly suggests that Accepting our imperfections may be the first step toward better well being, satisfaction and happiness in life.

People who are easier on themselves are less likely to be depressed and anxious and are more prone to happiness and optimism. self-compassionate people feel more secure.

“Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?”

By practicing self-compassion we can turn the enemies in our head into friends.

What Is Self-Compassion?

compassion literally means 'to suffer with'. It's our ability to recognize when someone is in emotional pain or having a tough time - and to then offer them warmth, kindness, a listening ear or a helping hand.

Self-compassion simply involves offering that same friendly, warm and understanding attitude to ourselves rather than judging or criticizing ourselves harshly.

Self-compassion steps in precisely when we fall down, allowing us to get up and try again. Can you go easier on yourself?

The Three Elements Of Self Compassion

Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment.

Self-compassion includes being warm and understanding toward yourself when you suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring your pain or beat yourselves up with self-criticism.

Recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life difficulties is inevitable.

Be gentle with yourself when confronted with a painful experience.

Common humanity vs. Isolation.

The very definition of being “human” means that you are mortal, vulnerable and imperfect. Therefore, self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone.

Frustration at not having things exactly as you want is often accompanied by an irrational and pervasive sense of isolation – as if “I” were the only person suffering or making mistakes. But in reality, all humans suffer.

* Mindfulness vs. Over-identification.

Self-compassion requires taking a balanced approach to your negative emotions so that you neither suppress nor exaggerated your emotions.

Relating your personal experiences to those of others who are also suffering, thus putting your own situation into a larger perspective.

The willingness to observe your negative thoughts and emotions with openness and clarity, so that they are held in mindful awareness.

Self-compassion is not dependent on external circumstances, it's always available, especially when we find ourselves in a difficult or painful situation. We don't have to feel as good as or better than others to feel good about ourselves. Self-compassion allows for personal failings to be acknowledged with kindness and understanding.

Being kind to yourself is not dependent on self-evaluation, comparing ourselves to others (which can lead to self-absorption, a lack of motivation and even depression) but instead comes from an understanding that each person is a human being deserving compassion and understanding, not because they are pretty, clever, multi-talented, intelligent etc.

"People who are compassionate to themselves are much more likely to be happy, resilient, optimistic and motivated to change themselves and their lives for the better. When our inner voice plays the role of a supportive friend (not a continual critic), then when we notice some personal failing, we feel safe and accepted enough to see ourselves clearly and make the changes needed to be healthier and happier"

~ Dr. Kristin Neff

Research shows there the link between being compassionate to others and self-compassion is quite a weak one. Which means we can be compassionate towards others without necessarily being self-compassionate.

But, and more important, is that the more we are kind to ourselves, the longer we can sustain compassion for others. By practicing self-compassion, we "fill up our own tank" with goodness - with warmth, understanding, friendliness and support. And the fuller our own tank is, the happier we are and the more we are able to offer compassion to others over a sustained period of time.

10 Ways you can practice Being Kinder To Yourself

Below are 10 practices from the Mindful Self-Compassion program that could be helpful, along with brief explanations. All these practices can be found in The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook by Kristin Neff, and guided recordings are available for those practices marked with an asterisk (*).

Self-Compassion Break* – The 3 components of self-compassion are a powerful recipe for regulating difficult emotions. The first component - mindfulness - helps us disentangle from what's bothering us. The second component – common humanity – is an antidote to the loneliness that may come with social distancing. When we recall that we’re not alone no matter what we’re going through, things become more bearable. The third component of self-compassion – self-kindness - is an antidote to fear. Kindness regulates fear through connection and warmth, similar to what we might experience with a dear friend.
Soothing Touch – We are less likely to receive physical expressions of kindness when we are in self-quarantine but we can still comfort ourselves with touch. Don’t be shy about offering yourself a hug, or by gently placing a hand over your heart, when you need it the most. (Just be mindful about touching your face, please.)
Giving and Receiving Compassion* – Although we need to physically distance ourselves from others because of the coronavirus, we don’t need to emotionally distance ourselves. Connection feels good. We can stay in compassionate connection with others by following our breath - breathing compassion in for ourselves and out for others. This can be practiced at home or with others, on the cushion or in care giving settings.
Being with Difficult Emotions* – Isolation is not natural for human beings. Just being alone with ourselves for an extended period of time usually brings up challenging emotions. And if we have the virus, we’re likely to feel shame when people avoid us. Labeling what we’re feeling while we’re feeling it calms the body, finding the emotion in the body anchors the experience, and responding to ourselves with compassion is the connection we’ve probably needed all along.
Soles of the Feet – This practice anchors our awareness in the present moment when we feel emotionally overwhelmed. The pandemic can be re-traumatizing for some people, for example, if feeling all alone or unsafe triggers traumatic memories. When we feel overwhelmed, it may be helpful to anchor our awareness in the sensations of our feet on the floor. We can redirect our attention away from our thoughts to the point of contact between our body and the earth, helping to ground and settle ourselves.
Affectionate Breathing* - Another helpful practice for helping to ground ourselves when we feel overwhelmed is tuning in to the soothing rhythm of the breath. We can allow ourselves to be caressed by the gentle internal rocking motion of the breath in a way that is calming and soothing.
Self-Compassion in Daily Life – We don’t need to practice meditation to experience self-compassion. Simply asking ourselves, “How do I care for myself already?” is a self-compassionate act, and actually doing something nice for oneself is even better. For example, when we’re sequestered in our homes, we can still listen to music, dance, read a book, Skype with friends, or play games with family members.
Compassionate Body Scan* – When we find ourselves scanning for signs of the coronavirus in our own bodies, the body begins to feel like an alien and we need to befriend it. We also need to remain friends with our bodies when they are stricken with the virus because the body is doing the best it can and it needs our support. The Compassionate Body Scan is a way to become more intimate and comfortable with our bodies no matter what condition we may be in.
Core Values – The usual ways that we find meaning in life are likely to be interrupted by social distancing. That doesn’t mean that we have to let go of what is most meaningful to us. If you found meaning by providing financially for your family, perhaps you can still provide for your family - emotionally - until you return to work? If you enjoyed meeting with friends, perhaps you can still meet with them online, maybe even with greater interest and understanding? Remaining connected to our core values and finding ways to stay true to them in the midst of disruption is an act of self-care.
Savoring and Gratitude - Sooner or later, we will all become virus-weary and yearn for more joy in life. Fortunately, joy is close at hand if we give ourselves permission to enjoy the simple things we still have. Savoring a nice meal is a way to do that, or by taking yourself on a Sense and Savor Walk in the fresh air. This practice involves letting yourself fully enjoy and take in what is beautiful or interesting to you - the bark of a tree, bird song, the smell of a flower, seeing the world with fresh eyes. Gratitude is another way of cultivating joy – noticing the small things that enrich our lives that we tend to overlook–running water, morning sunlight, chopping vegetables. The list is endless.

Self-compassion, like any other change we want to create in our life, is learned slowly. It takes practice, and practice and then more practice.

The priceless gift of self-compassion is learning how to hold our struggles and ourselves in a loving embrace, just as we are and where we are in life, as we take our steps forward into our future.

I'll sign off With this:

Thank you for keeping the flame of compassion burning.

Please, Stay safe, Be kind, Be patient - With yourself and others

And, if you're curious to see how you score in self-compassionate, take the self-compassion questionnaire. from Kristin Neff.

My Overall score is: 4.41, which means I'm moderately self-compassionate.

I have more work to do. 😉

I could beat myself up for not being self-compassionate enough, but these days I am able to catch myself and not go down that downward spiral. Instead, I can see my progress because only a few years ago I would probably have scored much lower!

* Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. At the same time, mindfulness requires that we not be “over-identified” with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negative reactivity.

Are You Ready To Start Practicing being your BFF?

If you would like a pretty printable summary & reminder of practical ways to practice Self Compassion, Just put your name and email below and I will email you these two PDF beauties