The Top Four Regrets Of  The Living

The past year was marked by loss.

Loss of our life the way we knew it.

Loss of jobs.

Loss of gathering with friends and family.

Loss of hugs and human touch... 

But most of all, the loss of lives and those we loved.

I think it’s fair to say that all of us have been impacted by it. Whether you lost someone close to you, or know someone who lost a loved one. The price was paid not only by those who died, but also the ones left behind.

Those who were abruptly distanced, shut away from their loved ones. Those who spent days in anxiously waiting in limbo for news about their loved ones. The fears, the worry, the pain, the guilt.

Grief is a reflection of what we love, and it can feel all-encompassing, compounded by feelings of guilt, anger and confusion.         

These unclear and uncertain experiences that many people are grappling with right now are referred to as “ambiguous losses.” Coined by the researcher and educator Pauline Boss, PhD, the term is used to describe situations when the emotional and physical realities don't align.

“When an otherwise healthy enough person leaves home to go to the hospital, declines rapidly, and the loved one doesn't get to see them throughout that whole process, it creates something like ambiguous loss,” Rhodes said. “They are physically gone now as they are dead, but it still feels as though they are emotionally present because one has not had a way to observe their loss.”

People are being left to grieve apart at a time when they need to be together the most, and It’s hard to find closure without these rituals.

A small survey amongst people I know who have lost someone to Covid-19 revealed the most common regrets that people left behind are dealing with. 

I wish I was there

The painful guilt of not being there to hold their loved ones hands, to say goodbye came as number one.There are no words possible to erase the pain you may be feeling at not being with your loved one during their death.

Being present in the final days and hours of our loved ones allows us to prepare for the loss we will experience and also to provide them comfort.

Your painful loss is infused with feeling upset on behalf of your loved one because they had to die without the benefit of family and friends at their side. That feeling is understandable. 

you may feel robbed or cheated of time with them in their end-of-life moments. You may feel angry that the coronavirus pandemic required protocols that kept you from being at their side, and you may feel disoriented in beginning to mourn while wrestling with these circumstances. All of these feelings are justified, and nothing about your experience was deserved.

It's important for you to recognize that they did not die alone. Their death was witnessed and felt by compassionate nurses, doctors, and other healthcare professionals who sought to surround them with care and comfort. And, more importantly, they died while wrapped in the love they felt for you and from you throughout their life.

I wish I told them…

Many of you feel the heart wrenching pain of not being able to say goodbye to your loved ones, and missing the opportunity of saying 'I Love You' one last time. It feels like an open wound that will remain open and a closure that will never be fulfilled.

It can be helpful to remember that a life is far more than its endpoint. The life of your loved one was made up of millions of moments, including moments of laughter, happiness, and joy, many of which you shared with them. Remembering these shared moments might help you remind yourself that you carry your whole relationship with your loved one with you as you move forward with your grief. 

Saying goodbye in different ways Saying goodbye is an important step in coping with grief.
If you were not able to say goodbye in person, you can still find a way to farewell the person who has passed.

In your own time, find yourself a quiet place to be alone and say your goodbyes.  You can do it by speaking out loud to them, or writing them a letter. Say what you wanted to say to them as if they were still there. The where and how don’t really matter because the goodbye is a conversation you have in your heart.

I wish I knew 

The biggest question those left behind are dealing with is wanting to know what their loved ones were going through in their last moments. The need to know if your loved one suffered, if they were afraid, were they worried, did they think of you, did they want to say something to you?

“Normally, we can hold a loved one’s hand, have meaningful conversations, affirm the bond, make amends,” says Robert Neimeyer, PhD, director of the Portland Institute for Loss and Transition and professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Memphis. “When we are able to practice these things, it softens the blow of loss.”

When people aren’t physically present to say goodbye and grieve with other mourners, they may be more likely to experience a sense of ambiguous loss, “With an ambiguous loss, it’s very hard to get closure. There’s often a lot of frustration and helplessness, because people feel dis-empowered,” she says.

When someone we love dies it is common to feel some regret and guilt. You may recall things you did or said, or that you failed to do or say. Events that might ordinarily have seemed trivial may take on a new meaning in the light what has happened. 

What if...

A big burden those left behind are carrying is the nagging burden that if they only could be there with their loved ones, taking care of them, doting on them, the outcome would have been different. We are wired for connection and love keeps us alive. Loneliness is known to be a cause for depression and weakening of the body’s immune system.

After a painful loss, it’s easy to imagine ways it didn’t have to happen. This is something almost everyone does. When a loved one dies suddenly, under difficult circumstances, as is happening with COVID-19 deaths, the tendency to get caught up in imagining all kinds of alternative scenarios is even stronger. This is called a “derailer” because it can sidetrack the adaptive healing process.

Losing a loved one in the midst of this pandemic is a traumatic experience. If we lose someone suddenly, or if we were not able to be with them while they were dying, our grief responses are complicated by the traumatic nature of the loss. Survivors may feel overwhelmed with thoughts of their loved one’s death. They may experience intense distress in yearning or searching for the deceased due to their sudden separation. The bereaved may also experience emotional distress along with their other grief emotions, including feelings of emptiness, disbelief, and distrust in other people.

Be There For Yourself  

How You Can Mingle Your Grief  With  Gratitude

The pain of loss during the pandemic is compounded by the feeling that one has not been given “permission” to experience it. 

Being able to mourn and grief are important and necessary for  processing and healing.

Here are some suggestions of things you can do to honor your grief, and allow yourself to go through the process in moments of chaos.

• Recognize that you are entitled to  experience every emotion that arises in you. All emotions are part of the grieving and healing process.
  
• Talk about the death of your loved one with friends or colleagues in order to help you understand what happened. Avoidance can lead to isolation and will disrupt the healing process with your support systems.
• Accept your feelings. You may experience a wide range of emotions from sadness, anger or even exhaustion. All of these feelings are normal and it’s important to recognize when you are feeling this way.
• Take care of yourself and your family. Eating healthy foods, exercising and getting plenty of sleep can help your physical and emotional health. The grieving process can take a toll on one’s body.
• Reach out and help others dealing with the loss. Spending time, even if done over the phone, or in face time, with loved ones of the deceased can help everyone cope. Whether it’s sharing stories or listening to your loved one’s favorite music, these small efforts can make a big difference to some. Helping others has the added benefit of making you feel better as well.
  

One way of working with your emotions is to imagine each emotion as one part of yourself.

For example, there is one part of you that feels angry that your loved one has gone, another part that is sad, and perhaps another part of you that is scared.

Working With Your Emotions

Name the different emotional parts of  you. 

These might include the ‘angry part’, ‘scared part’, ‘depressed or sad part’, ‘guilty part’, ‘accepting part’, ‘relief part’, ‘in denial part’ Or any other parts you are aware of. 

Remember that no emotion is wrong, and that it’s OK to acknowledge how you feel.

One at a time, bring each emotional part to mind one at a time and ask yourself:

• What does this part of you think about your loss?
• How does this part feel?
  
• Where in your body are you feeling that emotion most?
• What does this part want to do?

Next bring to mind a wise and compassionate part of you.

The part of you that always has your best interests at heart, and which cares for you deeply. (your best inner friend). Imagine this part listening to all your emotional parts:

• What does this part of you want to say to the other parts?
• How can this part of you help the other parts to heal?
• What does this part of you want for you?

Dealing with regret and guilt

Sometimes guilt and regret can get stuck. Especially under the extreme circumstances of the pandemic. This can be very distressing, and can get in the way of grieving in a healthy way. If you are feeling guilt or regret, here are some things that you might try:

• Write down your regrets.
• See if you can bring to mind a compassionate and warm outlook. We all have regrets and make mistakes, but that’s not the whole story of you    and your loved one. See if you can take a wider perspective and offer yourself some kindness, like you would to a dear friend.
• Ask yourself:
  

The loss of life to the coronavirus is sudden, and family members are unable to be by their loved one’s side because of restrictions designed to stop the spread of infection. The separation only adds to the grief and sadness of loved ones left behind.

Adding to the emotional hardship of losing a loved one to the coronavirus is the cessation of traditional rituals such as memorials, sitting shiva, and funeral services that help survivors say goodbye.

You can still comfort others by being present, demonstrating your care for the person, your willingness and interest in spending time with them, listening to what they have to say, and sharing stories of the deceased.

Resources

• Penn Medicine News,  How Coronavirus Complicates the Grieving Process.
• APA, Grief and COVID-19: Saying goodbye in the age of physical distancing.
• Remebering a life, Grieving Alone and Together.